


Song of a Lunatic

by hellionbaby (reketrebn)



Series: Luna Madness [1]
Category: Jrock, LUNA SEA
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Porn, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Break Up, Ryuichi POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:20:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23891479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reketrebn/pseuds/hellionbaby
Summary: Those three words are out of his lips and into the cold night air. But they’re just a breath, just particles suspended in the air for a few seconds along with the steam that rises from Ryuichi’s lips.
Relationships: Ryuichi/Sugizo (LUNA SEA)
Series: Luna Madness [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1191487
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	Song of a Lunatic

**Author's Note:**

> This the fic I've been writing on and off since Dec 2018 and honestly at some point I didn't even think I'm going to post it at all. But here we are and I'm determined to finish it. It's particularly painful to write it and go through it with Ryuichi but I think I really want to let it all out and present my version of their story.
> 
> I'll be adding some tags as I post the chapters so look out for that.
> 
> Deep gratitude to Rach for beta ♥
> 
> And here is [a playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4QwGb1uVhk9vfnYDpPVu9c?si=KT_hsxcCS3qV3tAH3wqv-g) I compiled for the series and them in general~

Song of a lunatic  
Song of a mad man

###  **1989**

_“I guess when you are young,  
_ _you believe that you will meet many people with whom you'll connect with,  
_ _but later in life you realize it only happens a few times.”_

– Before Sunrise

  
  


#####  **_May 6th_ **

Ryuichi watches the scenery passing outside the train window. As always, he’s lost in his thoughts and right now it’s a mix of worry and excitement. He’s been a strange boy ever since he was a child. His mother would often worry if he was alright, when he’d quietly sit and stare into space - his thoughts in chaos. The older he got, he became more and more aware just how different he is from the others.

Music saved his life. It managed to get him out of his head and shell, to show who he really was inside and let out everything that was boiling underneath his skin.

The train stops at the station and Ryuichi’s eyes focus on his own reflection in the glass. His eyes look tired and his stare is dead. People tell him he’s scary but that’s not usually his intention. Not today. Somehow today feels really important for him. The vocalist blinks a few times at his reflection and tries to smile a bit but it looks even worse so he just gives up.

As another Dead End song changes in his headphones, he starts tapping his finger lightly on the edge of his walkman. An old lady opposite him stares judgingly at his clothes. Ryuichi is aware that his jeans are way too tight and his jersey jacket has a few safety pins on it (to look more punk), which is probably outrageous to her. It’s what finally brings a real smile to his lips. He smirks at the lady before putting on his round sunglasses and getting off the train at the next stop.

Ryuichi walks down the street and weaves through the crowds of people in Machida. His new potential bandmates asked him to meet them there since it’s a spot where most of the underground punk kids hang out these days. He’s really nervous and as he passes a donut shop his sweet tooth wins over. Ryuichi buys a donut and instantly munches on it, then looks at all the others and thinks what if he bought some for the other guys too? They might not think he’s so scary if he brings them something sweet.

And like this - with a box of donuts, in his too tight jeans and a punk jersey jacket - Ryuichi walks into the dressing room. Only to find just one guy there smiling brightly at him. The vocalist remembers it’s the drummer and they greet each other. The rest are apparently at the bar and will be back any moment. Ryuichi leaves the box of donuts there and excuses himself to the bathroom.

He splashes cold water on his face and looks at his reflection in the mirror. His hair is frizzy and curling already where he tried to straighten it, always so messy and ugly. His eyes are critical and his mouth twists into a disgusted smirk. Who is he kidding, even these guys will hate him no matter how many donuts he brings them. Ryuichi wants to punch the mirror but instead he just fogs it with his breath and scribbles RAYLA with his finger before smudging it away with his palm. He quits hiding in the filthy bathroom and gets back to the dressing room to finally meet his new bandmates.

*****

“Oh, so you like Egyptian mythology too? Did you know the aliens probably built the pyramids?” The guitarist is so enthusiastic and Ryuichi is struck for a moment by the purity that shines through that hard, seemingly arrogant shell. The whole evening he was trying to figure them all out and Sugizo has been so far the most interesting one. The taller boy has long dyed ginger hair, his parents are classical musicians and he has so many instruments and music in his house. Ryuichi is seriously impressed.

And the most impressive part of all is how the older boy plays violin. The vocalist has never heard anyone his age with such skill.

“That’s interesting, but a bit preposterous,” Ryuichi smirks but leans closer to Sugizo because the rest of the guys are being loud. It’s absolutely not because Sugizo’s warm eyes are shining brightly and looking at him with such interest. It has totally nothing to do with the freckles sprinkled faintly over the boy’s very attractive, prominent nose. And nothing to do at all (whatsoever) with his charming smile.

Ryuichi sees all of that beauty in the guitarist - on the outside and the inside - and he knows that his younger self would want to destroy it, taint it with his darkness. Maybe his recent one does as well. He feels rotten in the face of this pure soul, this childish excitement for the world. He wishes he didn’t feel so twisted and corrupted inside all the time. He’s afraid that even though he mostly let go of his violent behavior years ago, he could destroy this one person with just his mere existence anyway.

*****

#####  **_June_ **

The replicants are running over the roofs on the screen and he can feel Sugizo’s eyes on him. He knows he’s been staring at Ryuichi’s profile, illuminated by the movie’s flashes of color, for most of the past hour. He's aware of their guitarist’s attraction to him and it’s honestly flattering. But he can’t bring himself to be the one to make the first move tonight… he’s afraid that if he does, he’ll fall too deep and too fast. And he knows his heart is too fragile for that.

But Sugizo won't leave him alone, still pestering him and bothering with questions. Ryuichi can feel the adrenaline rush through his veins and then explode in his heart as he suddenly rolls over his friend. It's absolutely exhilarating to do something so forbidden, something he shouldn't be doing but something that feels really good anyway. There’s danger screaming in every breath he takes and every time he kisses Sugizo’s lips over and over again. He feels lightheaded already and wants to continue pushing it further. Ryuichi can feel himself getting addicted to this and fast.

He has very little experience with men, no one has really captured him the way Morrie did. Until he met Sugizo and instantly thought this boy is sexy as hell. Not only is he talented, but also gorgeous and that’s honestly pretty unfair.

Ryuichi tried to tone it down until now, since the band matters to him a lot and they are doing some good work. But last week, when Sugizo kissed him at the lake, something inside him broke. He could barely think about anything else after that. Ryuichi is good at keeping himself busy but nothing was able to erase the urge to kiss the guitarist again. To actually kiss him back and experience the real thing.

So here he is, making all of his desires come true and enjoying every second of it. Until they are rudely interrupted, though. But that's okay, once he aims his focus at something it's very hard to stop him.

*****

Ever since he had the first wet dream about Morrie at age 15 he understood that liking boys is also an option. But no one really held up to the level of admiration he’s had for his idol. Until this utter musical genius entered his life and he couldn't resist being absolutely fascinated by him. There are moments when he finds himself completely awed by the older boy.

During the years before he met this band, there were guys who walked up to him in the clubs or tried to pick him up. Usually they weren't expecting him to pack a punch so they ended up on the floor fast. He fucked a lot of girls in between as well and realized he really likes sex and the rush it gives him.

But the first time he actually held another boy’s dick in his hand he knew there was no coming back from it. He likes sex with men and especially with Sugizo. Because for some reason Sugizo always knows what Ryuichi needs, where to touch and how hard to press. He can’t explain it but it feels as if they’re reading each other’s minds. 

*****

#####  **_July_ **

It’s been a week since he was actually home. In between rehearsing, composing and playing a show there was very little time to even stay at his own house. His mother doesn’t really mind because she sees how much he’s dedicated to this and wants to do music no matter what. She accepted his wish to become a singer a long time ago and he’s infinitely grateful for her support.

But along with his absence he realizes he’s been neglecting his current girlfriend. To be honest, he completely forgot about her existence for a few days. Might be also because he’s had Sugizo to give him pleasure and all the company he needs. It’s probably unfair to the girl as well but it’s not as if he planned to get dick on the regular.

He calls Megumi on the landline and she tells him to come over. The walk to her house is familiar and it makes him feel slightly nostalgic. But at the same time he’s already realizing somewhere in the back of his mind, that he’s not the same person that walked this path only a month ago. 

Her parents aren’t home yet from work so things get heated between them pretty fast. There isn’t much talking involved and usually he wouldn’t mind that, but as he’s about to progress further and take off her blouse, he realizes it’s really boring. Not that her body bores him, he likes her tits and the rest of it too… but somehow it feels like it’s not enough. Ryuichi stops and pulls away from her neck, looking at her pretty face.

“I think we should end this,” he says and puts more distance between them as he dislodges her from his lap. She seems very confused and probably has every right to be.

“What? Why?” Megumi frowns and instantly starts buttoning back her clothes. Ryuichi only hopes she won’t start crying now, he hates it when girls cry.

“I just think it’s not fair of me to hold you back since I’m barely in town anymore.” He shrugs and runs a hand through his hair, trying to keep his cool demeanor. Megumi snorts and crosses her arms over her chest, clearly annoyed.

“Yeah, I noticed. Didn’t want to bring it up but since you did, what’s so important about that band of yours anyway?” she asks and there is venom in her tone. She’s jealous and he’s so not there for it.

“Whatever, Megumi.” Ryuichi rolls his eyes and gets up to leave.

“Yeah, go back to them if they matter to you so much!” she spits but he’s already at the door pulling on his shoes.

“You bet they do,” he retorts without looking back and slams the door behind him. He starts walking back to his house and has to breathe through his anger as he’s almost running up the hill to their street. He didn’t even plan on breaking it off with her so soon but at the same time it’s not like he saw any future in it either. All he wants right now is to see Sugizo which makes him hate himself a little bit more for being so needy.

Ryuichi gets back to his house and instantly picks up the phone, dialing Sugiharas' house number by memory. Sugi’s sister picks up and tells him he’s practicing violin right now which makes Ryuichi feel warm inside for some reason. He tells her to give him a message later that he’s coming over first thing in the morning.

As he runs back up to his room to pack, there is this excited feeling somewhere in the pit of his stomach, telling him this is the only right thing in his life right now.

  
  


*****

#####  **_November_ **

Getting his dick sucked and looking up at a Star Wars poster is probably every boy's dream. Ryuichi has to chuckle in between his heavy breaths.

"Where...did you get... that new poster?" He asks haltingly. 

"It was on sale at Tower for 300." Sugizo removes his mouth from the other boy's cock and replies with a smirk. Ryuichi gasps and swats his head lightly.

"Wasting our food money like that!" The vocalist shakes his head and an amused smile pulls at his reddened lips. Sugizo laughs and tries to evade the quick hand.

"Come here and get inside me, you nerd." Ryuichi orders and there is an obvious warmth in his stare. The guitarist grins and follows Ryuichi's wish without hesitation.

Even if it's just a tiny room - two futons pushed together and a Star Wars poster - it feels like home.

*****

  
  


###  **1990**

_The ceaseless cold winds  
_ _carry your torn voice  
_ _Do you not sense our impending destruction?_

Dead End - Serafine

  
  


They spend the New Year’s together as a band. It’s their first one and none of them really know if it won’t be the last. But Ryuichi has a feeling that he wants to do everything for this to last every New Year for the rest of his life. 

The band parties in the cold night, in Inokashira Park with two bottles of cheap sake and some fireworks. It’s nice even in winter and some of their friends dragged them in with the promise of free alcohol so that’s how they ended up here. There is a lot of laughter and loud singing of Sex Pistols songs - the true punk life - and Ryuichi feels happy.

“Ryu-chaaaan~!” Sugizo is really drunk and attacks out of nowhere, leaning his whole weight on the vocalist’s back. Ryuichi laughs and tries to discard him with some effort but manages only to make it turn into a back hug. Sugizo buries his face into Ryuichi’s neck and starts kissing it which makes the younger one shiver and not just because of the cold.

“Please, ah, Sugizo...” Ryuichi tries to get the clingy boy to stop but all it accomplishes is for the guitarist to start mumbling into the vocalist’s ear. And that’s something that makes everything in Ryuichi melt and the cold air of the first January night suddenly disappears.

“You’re so pretty and beautiful and your hair is like ribbons...cute wavy ribbons...Ryu...Ryu-chan...My Ryuichi...so fluffy,” Sugizo doesn’t make much sense but the way he’s squeezing the younger boy and nuzzling his curly hair, it makes Ryuichi feel like there is nothing more important in the world than this moment and those words. Sugizo hasn’t said such things except in some heated moments when they have sex. But right now, just those few drunken mumbles, containing appreciation and possessive need, spread the tingly feeling around the vocalist’s belly and chest and he wonders if this is love. Drunken, silly, young love. 

Ryuichi mumbles Sugizo’s name and finally turns around to properly hug the older boy just when their friends launch another set of fireworks and sounds explode all around them. Ryuichi says it then, it’s really quiet - drowned out by the noise and Sugizo’s jacket - but he says it. Those three words are out of his lips and into the cold night air. But they’re just a breath, just particles suspended in the air for a few seconds along with the steam that rises from Ryuichi’s lips. 

“Hm? What? Whaddya say?” Sugizo is slurring his words so badly and burying his fingers in the vocalist’s messy hair, which Ryuichi allows for tonight.

“Nothing. It’s cold.” Ryuichi looks up from where he had his face buried in the guitarist’s shoulder. “Let’s go home.” He smiles faintly and slips his hands into Sugizo’s jacket.

*****

The news hit them while they’re hanging out with some other bands in Machida. One of the roadies walks into the dressing room and says the words. Ryuichi will remember those two sentences for the rest of his life.  
  
“Hey, guys have you heard? Dead End are disbanding!” There are some shouts and exclamations but Ryuichi is frozen on the spot, wine cup in his hand. He can’t believe it. As if a switch is flipped, he suddenly jumps up and catches the poor guy by the lapels of his jacket and shakes him, yelling in his face “Stop lying! Who said it?! That can’t be true!”

But it is and the rest of the night becomes a blur of alcohol, at least two bars and an unending heartache.  
  
Ryuichi gets so wasted that he only vaguely remembers breaking a stairwell of a tavern. He doesn’t remember being carried on J’s back to the train station. And absolutely refuses to admit he cried and yelled as they walked home. But what he knows for sure is that he has a hangover the next morning and the terrible news from last night are still true. 

Ryuichi spends the rest of the day holed up in their room, staring into space, refusing to speak to anyone and listening to the radio - deliberately trying not to listen to his favorite band. Eventually Sugizo comes to envelop him in a hug from behind and they both curl up on the messy futon. The guitarist offers to bring him some food, for them go out and get some ice cream maybe or have a rehearsal if he needs to. Ryuichi just shakes his head but allows himself to be comforted at least a little bit by Sugizo’s gesture.

The radio betrays him in that moment as the opening riff of Serafine comes up next. Ryuichi closes his eyes, refusing to cry any more tears. He swears that having your favorite band break up is the worst feeling in the world. He never thought it could feel so awful. The vocalist looks up at the guitarist and sees a reflection of his own sorrow and sadness in the other boy’s eyes.

“Lunacy can’t break up.” Ryuichi whispers and finds Sugizo’s hand to hold it strongly in his own, tugging and desperately pressing it to his own chest. It dawns on him that he can’t bear the thought of losing Sugizo, too. His life would be just like that feeling of emptiness in his heart right now. Their band can’t ever break up.

“Do you hear me?” He’s trembling but his gaze into Sugizo’s eyes is unwavering. “We can’t do that. We got this far already and we have to go even further.” Ryuichi’s voice is breaking but he’s pushing through it because he desperately needs to let it out. He needs to be heard this time.

“Yes, I hear you. I’m here and I always will be.” Sugizo whispers back, his voice mingling with the music from the radio, almost drowned out. And in that moment Ryuichi believes him. His heart soars and he smiles through the tears that managed to spill again.

There are no more words between them, just this moment and hope in a future that makes promises come true.

*****

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
